Riverside Courts had all the thrills of watching paint dry as Avery N faced off against Finley R in a classic case of “Can you lose any worse?” in the Golden Age Games. The first game went to Avery, who must have thought he was playing against a cardboard cutout of Finley. Finley’s paddle seemed to have a mind of its own as it sent balls into the net more often than a squirrel on a caffeine high.

But in a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood script, Finley roared back in the second game, leaving Avery looking like he just found out his favorite restaurant was permanently closed. With an 11-9 victory, Finley was all smiles, probably hoping he’d found his moment of glory, rather than just an intermission in the inevitable.

But like all good things, that second game had to end, and it did so mercilessly. Avery returned with the ferocity of a dad finding out his kids scratched the new car. The third game was like watching a cat play with a mouse — Finley was completely outmatched, succumbing faster than a balloon at a porcupine convention, finishing at 11-1.

The overall win was less about skill and more about survivorship. Avery N walked off the court with all the confidence of someone who just won a thumb wrestling match against an octogenarian. Finley, on the other hand, left with the haunted look of someone who just realized their dreams of glory are as realistic as a unicorn in a pickleball tournament.

So here’s to the Golden Age Games: where dreams go to die, and where the only thing more predictable than the scores is the collective sigh of the audience who came to witness the acute pain of athletic mediocrity.