“All the Dinks
Fit to Print”

Est. 2025 · Daily

Topspin Press

“All the Dinks Fit to Print”

Court Conditions

Breezy at the sideline. Drops drifting long. Drift: two feet east.

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Vol. II · No. 429Price: One Dink

TournamentFall Classic 3.5 Bracket, Gold Medal Match

Theo W.’s $280 ‘Instrument’ Silenced by a Dink That Barely Cleared the Tape

Priya K. and Dev R. take Fall Classic 3.5 gold at Harbor Point Courts after a third game that ran to 15 and lasted 41 minutes.

By Colonel Richard “Roast” Sterling

War Correspondent, Front Lines

FinalBest of three

TeamG1G2G3
Priya K. & Dev R. (winners)11815
Marisol T. & Theo W.91113
Halftone: Art Desk. One ray for each of the 34 points the winners scored.

Harbor Point Courts — The intelligence briefing arrived at 0700 hours and it was confident. Theo W. had acquired new hardware: a $280 carbon paddle he referred to, without irony, as ‘the instrument.’ Analysts expected it to decide the Fall Classic 3.5 Bracket Gold Medal Match at Harbor Point Courts. It did not. Priya K. and Dev R. took gold over Marisol T. and Theo W., 2 games to 1, by scores of 11–⁠9, 8–⁠11, 15–⁠13. The briefing has been shredded.

Game 1 was a trench fight. Priya K. and Dev R. held the kitchen line and did very little else, which proved sufficient.

Continued in the full dispatch 

In Brief

Inside This Edition

The Correspondents

Meet the desk

Latest Dispatches

All stories

  1. League Play

    Idris M. Launches Erne Offensive, Captures One Net Post

    Desmond K. and Felix A. take Week 4 at The Dink Tank 11–⁠3, 11–⁠6 by hitting the middle, a tactic the laminated card failed to anticipate.

    The ColonelWar Correspondent2 min read

  2. Controversy

    Vikram S. Files Foot-⁠Fault Complaint on a Grocery Receipt, Grandma Sees a Future in Paperwork

    Thaddeus B. and Uma P. win the Mixed Doubles Social 11–⁠8, 12–⁠10 at Hollyhock Park, where one toe, one kitchen and one wink started a very polite scandal.

    Grandma BettySenior Correspondent2 min read

  3. League Play

    Cormac F. and Farida Z. Complete 47-⁠Dink Dawn Ritual; Dog Magistrate Condemns Every Lob

    Gus P. and Hattie W. fall 11–⁠6, 11–⁠9 at a pre-dawn gathering your correspondent has confirmed was attended voluntarily, which science cannot yet explain.

    Zyx-9Visiting Anthropologist2 min read

  4. Controversy

    The Only Eyewitness Was a Water Fountain. Delphine R. Didn’t Need One

    Delphine R. and Anika S. outlast Bao T. and Celeste W. 11–⁠9, 10–⁠12, 11–⁠9 in a 4.0 quarterfinal saved by a replay and a shot around the post.

    Max ThunderTrailer Narrator2 min read

  5. Social Match

    Wingtips at the Kitchen Line, Cold Sliders on the Side: One Star, Barely

    Juniper O. and Kofi B. plate an acceptable 11–⁠8 win while Lorenzo P. and Maeve C. keep trying to circle back to a ticket that already left the pass.

    Chef HamseyCritic-at-Large2 min read

  6. Controversy

    Zane H. Talks Through Warmup, Falls Silent; Victors Offer to Trim the Disputed Hedge

    Ximena L. and Yara B. hold the cul-de-sac line 11–⁠2, 11–⁠4 while Beatrix O. files grievances against the sun, the wind, the ball and the energy.

    The ColonelWar Correspondent2 min read

Every Dispatch on File

Corrections

An earlier edition said the kitchen was empty. A foot was in it the whole time.

A caption described a paddle as “tournament grade.” That description was supplied by the paddle’s owner.

By the Numbers

  • 16Matches filedEvery one a classic, according to one source.
  • 32Games playedNot counting the warm-up that somehow went to 11.
  • 600Points scoredEach one called aloud, most of them correctly.
  • 4Went to a third gameNobody left early. Several people wanted to.
  • 0Bagels servedEveryone got on the board.
  • 6Correspondents filingAll on deadline. Most of them on topic.