Michael and Sergei secured an 11-4, 11-9 victory over Juan and Yimi Thursday night at Tipton Community Park, where Michael's newly acquired coaching has apparently taught him that the "speed up" button exists and should be pressed with the frequency of a caffeinated teenager playing a video game.

Gone is the Michael who once participated in the meditative, soul-nourishing dink exchanges that make pickleball the sport of choice for people who describe themselves as "not really competitive." In his place stands a man who has discovered that hitting the ball hard is both legal and effective, a revelation he's chosen to share approximately forty times per point.

"We came here for a nice, relaxing game," said Juan, who appeared visibly exhausted from actually having to move his feet. "Instead, we got Michael treating every third shot like it personally insulted his family."

The first game was a 11-4 demolition that suggested Juan and Yimi had shown up expecting a book club meeting and found themselves at a rave. The second game saw the duo adjust their expectations and claw back to 9-9 before Michael-in a display of his newfound tactical sophistication-sped up two consecutive shots that apparently no one else wanted sped up.

"The coaching has really helped my game," Michael confirmed afterward, demonstrating the self-awareness of someone who just discovered fire and immediately used it to burn down the village. "I'm learning to be more aggressive."

Witnesses report that Sergei mostly stood at the baseline nodding approvingly, having successfully outsourced all cardiovascular activity to his partner's newfound evangelism for kinetic warfare.

Thursday Night Lights continues next week, assuming anyone agrees to play with Michael again.