Vol. II · No. 429

Topspin Press

“All the Dinks Fit to Print”

“All the Dinks Fit to Print”
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Vol. II · No. 429Price: One Dink

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Latest Dispatches

Every match filed with the desk, newest first, from bracket finals to the Tuesday ladder.

This week

  1. TournamentFall Classic 3.5 Bracket, Gold Medal Match

    Theo W.’s $280 ‘Instrument’ Silenced by a Dink That Barely Cleared the Tape

    Priya K. and Dev R. take Fall Classic 3.5 gold at Harbor Point Courts after a third game that ran to 15 and lasted 41 minutes.

    The ColonelPriya K. & Dev R. def. Marisol T. & Theo W., 11–⁠9, 8–⁠11, 15–⁠13

  2. Social MatchHalloween Costume Doubles

    Bulletin 4471: Condiment Clan Defeats Horse That Could Not Agree Which Way to Go

    Ingrid P. and Tobias N., disguised as sauces, beat the merged horse of Wren J. and Ezra G. 11–⁠5, 11–⁠7 while a juvenile pickle guarded the lines.

    Zyx-9Ingrid P. & Tobias N. def. Wren J. & Ezra G., 11–⁠5, 11–⁠7

  3. ControversyOpen Play (Allegedly)

    Winston E. Said His Paddle Was ‘Emotionally Next.’ The Queue Disagreed, Then Died

    Silas Q. and Tamsin R. beat Vera N. and Winston E. 11–⁠9 in the only game finished at Pinecrest Courts, where 23 people shared 4 courts and one feeling.

    Jerry PicklefeldSilas Q. & Tamsin R. def. Vera N. & Winston E., 11–⁠9

Last week

  1. Social MatchSunday Open Play

    Imani B. Apologizes for Her Own Winners, Sprinklers Apologize for Nothing

    Ngozi A. and Hiro M. beat Imani B. and Bodhi S. 11–⁠4 in a single game at Cedar Hollow Park before the lawn watering took over.

    Grandma BettyNgozi A. & Hiro M. def. Imani B. & Bodhi S., 11–⁠4

  2. TournamentRookie Rumble 2.5 Bracket, Final

    Kenji S. Survived the Final. He Did Not Survive His Brother’s High-⁠Five

    Jun T. and Kenji S. beat Leif A. and Nadia R. 11–⁠9, 11–⁠13, 12–⁠10 to win the Rookie Rumble 2.5 final, then one of them hurt himself celebrating.

    Max ThunderJun T. & Kenji S. def. Leif A. & Nadia R., 11–⁠9, 11–⁠13, 12–⁠10

  3. Social MatchFriday Night Lights-Out Doubles

    Rhys T. Rules Four Shots in the Dark ‘In, Probably’; Floodlight Declines to Confirm

    Bea R. and Omar F. hold the lit half of Granite Ridge Park, 11–⁠6, as Calla J.’s glow-in-the-dark ordnance fails to glow.

    The ColonelBea R. & Omar F. def. Calla J. & Rhys T., 11–⁠6

  4. League PlayWednesday Ladder, Court 3

    Rocco D. Ordered Nachos Mid-⁠Match. They Were the Only Thing on Court 3 Cooked Properly

    Otis V. and Pilar M. take the Wednesday Ladder 11–⁠5, 11–⁠7 on one shared water bottle while Sunny K.’s third-shot drop stays a work in progress.

    Chef HamseyOtis V. & Pilar M. def. Rocco D. & Sunny K., 11–⁠5, 11–⁠7

  5. TournamentCharity Smash for the Library, Final

    Percy G.’s 1987 Headband Still Works, He Tells Us, Right Up Until the Net Cord

    Nikhil D. and Oona F. take the Charity Smash for the Library final 11–⁠7, 6–⁠11, 11–⁠9 over Percy G. and Rosalind H., and there are lemon bars for everyone.

    Grandma BettyNikhil D. & Oona F. def. Percy G. & Rosalind H., 11–⁠7, 6–⁠11, 11–⁠9

  6. League PlayTuesday Night Ladder, Week 7

    Saoirse D. Calls Four Lets, Wins All Four, Loses the Match Anyway

    Lucía F. and Kwame O. beat Odette L. and Saoirse D. 11–⁠7, 11–⁠9 in Week 7 of the Tuesday Night Ladder, with a rogue balloon and a notes app as witnesses.

    Jerry PicklefeldLucía F. & Kwame O. def. Odette L. & Saoirse D., 11–⁠7, 11–⁠9

  7. TournamentMasters 60+ Invitational, Semifinal

    Yusuf B.’s Third-⁠Shot Drive Delivered Twice to the Parking Lot. Nobody Ordered It

    Esperanza V. and Walt H. plated soft drops and lobs to win 11–⁠6, 11–⁠8 in the semifinal while Mateo C. and Yusuf B. ran every burner on high.

    Chef HamseyEsperanza V. & Walt H. def. Mateo C. & Yusuf B., 11–⁠6, 11–⁠8

Earlier in October

  1. League PlayThursday Mixed League, Week 4

    Idris M. Launches Erne Offensive, Captures One Net Post

    Desmond K. and Felix A. take Week 4 at The Dink Tank 11–⁠3, 11–⁠6 by hitting the middle, a tactic the laminated card failed to anticipate.

    The ColonelDesmond K. & Felix A. def. Gemma L. & Idris M., 11–⁠3, 11–⁠6

  2. ControversyMixed Doubles Social

    Vikram S. Files Foot-⁠Fault Complaint on a Grocery Receipt, Grandma Sees a Future in Paperwork

    Thaddeus B. and Uma P. win the Mixed Doubles Social 11–⁠8, 12–⁠10 at Hollyhock Park, where one toe, one kitchen and one wink started a very polite scandal.

    Grandma BettyThaddeus B. & Uma P. def. Vikram S. & Esme L., 11–⁠8, 12–⁠10

  3. League PlaySunrise Dink Club, 6:30 a.m. Session

    Cormac F. and Farida Z. Complete 47-⁠Dink Dawn Ritual; Dog Magistrate Condemns Every Lob

    Gus P. and Hattie W. fall 11–⁠6, 11–⁠9 at a pre-dawn gathering your correspondent has confirmed was attended voluntarily, which science cannot yet explain.

    Zyx-9Cormac F. & Farida Z. def. Gus P. & Hattie W., 11–⁠6, 11–⁠9

  4. ControversyClub Championship, 4.0 Quarterfinal

    The Only Eyewitness Was a Water Fountain. Delphine R. Didn’t Need One

    Delphine R. and Anika S. outlast Bao T. and Celeste W. 11–⁠9, 10–⁠12, 11–⁠9 in a 4.0 quarterfinal saved by a replay and a shot around the post.

    Max ThunderDelphine R. & Anika S. def. Bao T. & Celeste W., 11–⁠9, 10–⁠12, 11–⁠9

  5. Social MatchCorporate Wellness Mixer

    Wingtips at the Kitchen Line, Cold Sliders on the Side: One Star, Barely

    Juniper O. and Kofi B. plate an acceptable 11–⁠8 win while Lorenzo P. and Maeve C. keep trying to circle back to a ticket that already left the pass.

    Chef HamseyJuniper O. & Kofi B. def. Lorenzo P. & Maeve C., 11–⁠8

  6. ControversyNeighborhood Grudge Match

    Zane H. Talks Through Warmup, Falls Silent; Victors Offer to Trim the Disputed Hedge

    Ximena L. and Yara B. hold the cul-de-sac line 11–⁠2, 11–⁠4 while Beatrix O. files grievances against the sun, the wind, the ball and the energy.

    The ColonelXimena L. & Yara B. def. Zane H. & Beatrix O., 11–⁠2, 11–⁠4

Corrections

An earlier edition said the kitchen was empty. A foot was in it the whole time.