Bulletin 4471: Condiment Clan Defeats Horse That Could Not Agree Which Way to Go

Field Note 1: Before play began at the Old Mill Pickle Barn, the four subjects shed their ordinary skins and assumed ceremonial forms. Two became bottles of condiment. Two fused into a single horse. All four then touched paddles at the net, which I have confirmed is a nonaggression treaty ratified with sporting equipment. The treaty was immediately violated. In the Halloween Costume Doubles, Ingrid P. and Tobias N. (ketchup and mustard) defeated Wren J. and Ezra G. 11–⁠5, 11–⁠7.

The horse was the central specimen. Wren J. operated the front; Ezra G. operated the rear. The creature could not divide itself for wide balls, and I measured its lateral response at 1.9 seconds, approximately 1.4 seconds longer than the ball remained interested. Ezra G. could perceive only the inside of the horse and appeared to strike the ball based on rumor. Hypothesis, held with total confidence: the horse is one organism having a disagreement with itself.

Lab note: the mustard casing restricted Tobias N.’s arms to a range of 22 centimeters, permitting only the dink. He dinked 31 times. I conclude the dink is not a shot but a vow of restraint taken by sauces. Each one fell softly into the kitchen, a sacred zone the horse refused to enter, possibly because horses are not permitted near food preparation. Ingrid P. handled every remaining task, including what I believe was the entire concept of offense.

The lines were supervised by a juvenile human dressed as a pickle. Given the name of the barn, I believe this pickle was the presiding deity and the condiments were its favored acolytes. Each time a score was chanted aloud, the pickle nodded, confirming the incantation had been received. The horse lost both games but kept its formation, which I record as a moral victory for the rear half specifically.

Afterward, the competitors performed the hostage exchange known as the handshake, and the victors were paid in candy, a refueling substance of great value. Recommendation to the Institute: our next envoy should arrive as a condiment. Under no circumstances should two of our scientists attempt to be one horse.

End of transmission. Further study is required.