League PlaySunrise Dink Club, 6:30 a.m. Session
Cormac F. and Farida Z. Complete 47-Dink Dawn Ritual; Dog Magistrate Condemns Every Lob
Gus P. and Hattie W. fall 11–6, 11–9 at a pre-dawn gathering your correspondent has confirmed was attended voluntarily, which science cannot yet explain.
Lakeshore Community Center — TRANSMISSION EXCERPT, 06:31 LOCAL: “Specimens assembled before their star had risen. No coercion detected. Repeat: no coercion.” The full record follows. At the Sunrise Dink Club, 6:30 a.m. Session, held at the Lakeshore Community Center, Cormac F. and Farida Z. defeated Gus P. and Hattie W. 2 games to 0, by counts of 11–6 and 11–9.
Each rally began with the server chanting three numbers aloud, an incantation that reliably summons the ball into motion. Gus P. had ingested three coffees before the first summoning and thereafter spoke only in a ceremonial dialect. Lab note: in one 40-second interval he produced the words “Erne,” “ATP,” “pickled” and “cook it,” none of which resulted in a point. His partner, Hattie W., appeared to understand him roughly as well as I did.
The humans call a small painted region beside the net “the kitchen” and fear to set foot in it. Cormac F. and Farida Z. did not retreat from its border for the entire match, toes held an average of 0.4 centimeters from the line. At one point they placed 47 consecutive soft offerings into the zone, alternating sides, as though feeding it. Hypothesis, held with total certainty: the kitchen is a hungry deity, and the 47 dinks were a tithe. The deity rewarded them with both games.
Their opponents, unable to sustain the tithe, repeatedly sent the ball skyward. Hattie W.’s dog barked at every one of these lobs, a correlation of 100 percent across the sample. The dog is clearly an appointed magistrate whose sole duty is to condemn the lob. The lobs continued anyway. A refueling rite between games, consisting of water and murmured strategy, narrowed the second-game margin to 11–9 but did not appease the magistrate.
Paddles were tapped together at the net, followed by a handshake I recognized as a trade negotiation. Curiously, every participant left with the same partner they arrived with. Negotiations appear to have collapsed amicably.
Recommendation to the Institute: the next expedition should arrive before sunrise, carry three coffees and a dog, and stand very close to the kitchen without entering it. Lobbing is prohibited. The magistrate will be listening.
End of transmission. Further study is required.
Editor’s note This report covers one night of league play. The rivalry, we are told, continues next week.