Patrick and Mark defeated Andrew and Nick 11-9 at Dropshot Pickleball in The Blue League on Thursday, in a match where the final tally bore roughly the same relationship to reality as a participation trophy does to actual achievement.

Mark spent the better part of the match painting lines with winners that left both Andrew and Nick lunging at air molecules where the ball used to be. The precision strikes came with such demoralizing regularity that witnesses reported seeing Andrew check his paddle for structural defects at one point, as if equipment failure might explain why he kept watching balls zip past him into corners he didn't know existed.

"The score was 11-9, which technically makes this sound competitive," said one courtside observer who requested anonymity. "But that's like saying the Titanic 'nearly made it' because it got 95% of the way across the Atlantic."

The afternoon's most memorable moment came when Mark's paddle connected with a ball that then connected with Nick's face in what officials are diplomatically calling an "accident," though the timing-immediately following another clean winner-has raised philosophical questions about coincidence versus cosmic justice.

"It was totally unintentional," Mark insisted afterward, displaying the kind of contrition typically reserved for stepping on someone's foot in an elevator. Nick, for his part, declined to comment while holding an ice pack and reconsidering his life choices.

Patrick's contribution to the victory was described by witnesses as "being there" and "not actively interfering with Mark's clinic," which in doubles play counts as solid partnership.

The loss drops Andrew and Nick to a record they'd probably prefer not discussed, while Patrick and Mark improve to whatever feels appropriate for a team that wins by margins the scoreboard refuses to acknowledge.